Many times in my life someone has said something to me that upset me to the core of my being. Sometimes I was so upset that I put out of my mind what the person said, but the effect of what they said stayed with me…I was devastated.
Originally at the time I could not see ‘The Gift’ in this experience but later as I watched how this experience manifested in my world I could see that in reality it was a gift, probably one of the greatest gifts that person could have given me, for they were inviting me to wake up to what I was thinking and doing that was creating such devastation in my world. They were inviting me to choose to love myself and overcome my habit of not loved myself.
This is NOT something that is easy to see, particularly if one is still in the devastation or the reverberations of that devastation. When in the drama of the devastation I would usually rationalize within myself, and sometimes with others, that I was in the ‘right’ and that the person who upset me was wrong. The normal progression of this thinking was for me to see them as someone to avoid for they were not considerate of my feelings or emotions. Never would I look at the fact that I was the one who was not being considerate of my feelings or emotions, I would just automatically assume the other person was responsible and I would go into some form of “righteous indignation” that everybody around me would support. Naturally I would want to ‘punish’ them in some way and often that meant I would avoid them at the least.
This is a very hard thing to overcome, for our entire society or social support structures encourage us to continue in our unhealthy ways of thinking and behaving. If everyone thinks this way then can it be wrong?
It took a tremendous amount of focus and discipline for me to see that it really was me that was the uncaring one here; I was the one who was not caring about my feelings and emotions.
A major transition happened for me in my world when I began to see that when people upset me with their words that this was a gift and I started appreciating it as a gift. The very act of appreciation was healing my emotional wound or re-training myself to react in a way that was healthy for me.
Today, I cannot remember all the people who have given me this wonderful gift so I cannot share with them now just how valuable I feel that gift was to me. This thought saddens me but I accept it as part of the process.
Now, often, I see myself as the bearer of “The Gift” to people and most of the time the person who is receiving that gift does not have the presence of mind to be aware that it is a gift. It has been a discipline for me to be the bearer of the gift and to recognize that most people will not have that presence of mind to appreciate the gift, at least in the present moment and maybe never be able to think of me and be grateful for what I have given them.
The ability to see the ‘big picture’ here is important for our own peace of mind. It takes work to have the ability to see that in the long run most people who are gifted with an awaking experience like this will not be able to see the benefit of it when it is happening but that in the long run they will be better off because of it.
Of course, not all upsetting people is gifting them in a way that will sooner or later benefit them. The best way to do this is when you can point out to them how it was their reactions that caused them harm and not what you said to them. Still, most people will not get this, particularly in the present moment, but later that ‘seed’ of an idea can manifest into some self-knowledge or realization that will grow into a changed behavior that will benefit them in the long run.
When I think of this gifting I often think of Jesus and how he was gifting the people of his time. Obviously most of them did not get that they were getting a gift; they just saw Jesus as some jerk that was pushing their buttons and someone to get rid of. Hopefully, with all that animosity directed back at Jesus he was able to take care of himself recognize that in the long run he was serving those others and humanity in general.
I also think of Gandhi and Martin Luther King as they upset a lot of people in their time and most of those people could not see the Gift that they were receiving.
I recognize that it takes a particularly caring individual to make it a habit to gift people in the way that Jesus, Gandhi and MLK did, but we all can and do at times gift one other with our honesty, and honesty that can wake them up to a better life experience. The important thing to remember is that we are gifting them and that in the long run they will be better off if they are even a little bit open to it.
Being terrorized is a choice, a choice that in today’s world we all have everyday.
Personally I enjoy the drama of terrorism. I see and hear what other people see and hear but I CHOOSE to react to it differently; I choose to react to it in a way that works for me, that is positive and healthy and that fulfills my life.
I make these choices because I realize that I would prefer to experience positive and healthy emotions over negative and unhealthy emotions. I realize that no matter what life offers I am still going to be here until I am not, so why not enjoy it? I realize I do not want to give my power away to the terrorist, my power to experience appreciation, enjoy and love.
I don’t understand why people want to empower the terrorist. I suspect that they don’t but that they react to the terrorist’s act with terror because they don’t realize they have a choice, they don’t realize that by reacting with terror they are doing EXACTLY what the terrorist want.
I can see that there are elements of our society that WANT us to be terrorized by the acts of terrorist so they encourage our being terrorized. I can see that the military industrial complex that President Eisenhower warned us about would want us to fear terrorism so that we will be willing to pay more taxes to support large military expenditures.
I can see how religious institutions would want us to be afraid for that tends to motivate people to go to church to find solace for the pain of our fears. That is there business model.
Terrorism works for these aspects of our society; basically terrorism is good for their business.
It appears that those in society who are least awake and aware of this, the right AND left wing conservatives, are the ones who are most willing to be terrorized and thus support terrorism and the businesses or organizations that profit from it.
I see and hear news stories about terrorism just like everyone else. I suspect that I do not fixate on those stories as much as those who live in lots of fear. I find those stories interesting but not threatening. Maybe this is because I don’t value this carcass as much as other people value the carcass they are experiencing life through. I do value the experience of life that comes through this carcass, but if I value that experience then why would I want to fill that life experience with things like fear or other forms of negativity?
Long ago before I woke up and realized these things, I was in a habit of reacting to life in a very negative way, with such negativity that I really did not want to continue living if that is all that life was about. I realized at some point that this reaction to life with negativity was a product of caring TOO MUCH about life including myself. When I got so depressed that I finally just gave up and stop caring, fully stopped caring, I realized that the QUALITY of life dramatically improved. Much later I realized that I could care for a while until it hurt too much and then stop caring for a while and rest in that place of detachment until I was ready to go back to enjoying the caring again.
I suppose that this transformation came after I realized that nothing that happens here on Earth is going to matter in the long run, that sooner or later all life on this tiny speck of dust in the universe that we call Earth will disappear with no trace that it ever existed. I realized just how meaningless life was in the long run. But I also realized that in the short run I WANTED to enjoy the experience of life and that in order to enjoy that experience I had to CHOOSE joy as a reaction to what life was offering.
One of my favorite quotes from the Buddha is, “There is no path to happiness; happiness is the path.”
It all comes down to practicing the emotions that I want to fill my life with.
People who are being terrorized by the terrorists are practicing the emotion of terror, and that is what they are filling their life experience with.
That is very sad for me.
I realize that the reason I no longer make that kind of choice is that some place along the way someone probably said to me that I have a choice on how I react to what life is offering. And they probably did not just say that to me but they demonstrated that they did not choose to fill their life with negative emotions. I suspect that for some reason I was able to hear and see them and the message they were sharing. I don’t know why I was open to hearing and seeing them, maybe because I was so desperate at the time. Maybe I was open to them because I was in crisis and open to ANY solution to that crisis. I wonder if it was not just crisis that opened me up but that I had a belief or attitude that if I just knew of WHAT to do to change my world, and I worked toward doing that WHAT, then sooner or later I could change my world. I realize that my conviction of the fact that I could change myself if I worked at it came because I HAD changed myself in the past.
In high school I was a card carrying coward, pretty much afraid of my own shadow. It was through my military experience and Ranger School that I started to gain confidence in myself and my ability to handle what life was offering. It was the training, the practice of thinking and doing things differently that helped me change who I was. Maybe it was this experience or memory that gave me the conviction that I could again change myself and my habitual reactions to what life was offering.
So when someone told me that it came time to change my emotional reactions to what life offered, I was open to that message. I COULD fill my life with positive emotions IF I was just disciplined and practiced reacting to what life offered with positive emotions.
Of course it was not easy in the beginning but I persisted until now my habit is one of moving back to appreciation, joy and love no matter what life offers.
Which is why terrorists have no power over me, they cannot create terror within me nor even fear of what they might do in the future. Yes, they can and might kill me, but I was going to die sooner or later anyway so why worry about it. What I don’t want is to fill my life with worry about death or dying or even injury. I just don’t want to fill my life with worry.
I want to fill my life with beauty, appreciation, joy, love and gratitude, not terror.
I often go to T-Group, a weekly sensitivity or authentic relating practice group. The idea behind T-Group is to talk about your feelings and in so doing you become aware of your deeper desires or motivation behind our actions, then share that with others in the group. With awareness of our inner experience we gain mastery over ourselves and thus enable us to grow in our ability to appreciate, enjoy and love what life is offering.
As children we gain self-mastery when we learn how to detect our bowels or bladder tension, which indicates we need to relieve ourselves. Then we develop an additional self-mastery when we learn how to relieve ourselves by either releasing the muscle that is holding back our bladder’s contents or activating the muscles of peristalsis. This ‘potty training’ greatly enhances the overall quality of our life experience.
As infants we need our parents or caregivers to feed us, change our diapers and soothe us when we are stressed. But as we mature we develop lots of awarenesses and skills beyond potty training, such as walking, riding a bike, thinking disciplines and the like that all increase the overall quality of our life. The more self-mastery skills we obtain the richer our life experience becomes. Those who fail to develop these awarenesses and skills have a diminished quality of a life experience.
T-Group in particular and many other types of authentic relating exercises are there to help us practice and grow in our ability to care for ourselves and be honest with both ourselves and others. As we sit in group the intention is to feel what we are feeling and share that with one another. If we are feeling anxious or depressed then we share that with the group.
Our body can release various chemicals, hormones or neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin that counteract the stress in our body and have an anti-anxiety effect or are ‘soothing’ effect. Science has shown that these chemicals contribute to “pro-social behaviors” and healthy emotional responses such as “relaxation, trust and psychological stability.” (Oxytocin: the neuropeptide of love reveals some of its secrets. Neumann ID, Cell Metabolism, 2007, volume 5, issue 4, pages 231-233 (DOI: 10.1016/j.cmet.2007.03.008).) These chemicals can be released by touch, affection and cuddling or they can be released naturally in the body via positive emotions.
When we are feeling stress, anxiety or depression we have the opportunity to go deeper into the desires or wants that are creating these feelings. As we keep exploring our feelings we will discover that beyond the anxiety or depression is the deepest feeling and/or desire to be independent, happy and healthy.
If we are constantly asking others to help us manage our emotions or feelings then we fail to develop our own self-mastery skills.
The first step in this process of authentic relating is to fully FEEL what you are feeling without needing to act on those feelings. If we use T-Group and other social opportunities to become aware of our feelings this will give us an opportunity to develop skills of self-mastery by practicing positive emotions, thus we create a greater sense of self-confidence and an opportunity to develop love-based relationship. If we fail to develop these awarenesses and skills then our relationships will be fear-based, fearful that we will lose our source of chemicals that soothe us, a chemical addiction. This chronic fear or anxiety has been shown to be very unhealthy in the long run and greatly reduces the quality of a person’s life experience.
As infants and children we need others to sooth us when we are stressed. Parents touch and cuddle us, which releases these chemicals allowing our bodies to relax and create a sense inner peace. As we mature some people learn how to ‘self-sooth’ by practicing positive emotions and thus no longer NEED others to help them sooth themselves when life produces stress. Others never learn this self-soothing behavior and thus are dependent on others for affection to produce these necessary chemicals in our system to help us deal with stress. This dependency on others leads these latter people to seek out relationships that end up being very co-dependent, unhealthy and in the long run destructive to the well being of the co-dependent person or people.
T-Group is about first gaining the awareness of our feelings and second about practicing self care by developing the ability to address them ourselves so as not NEED others to address them for us.
In one of my recent T-Groups the other 4 members of the group immediately cuddled together on the bed while I sat opposite of them alone. There was not much talking about feelings in that group, they were mostly just cuddling. At the time, I felt ok with them cuddling but later I felt something was ‘wrong’ with it.
When I looked further into what I was feeling I found I felt a sense of ‘distaste’ about their cuddling. I had to ask myself, “What is behind that distaste?” What is ‘wrong’ with people enjoying the affections of other people? And why was I not interested in joining them, even when I was invited to do so?
The other four group members immediately went to cuddling together on the bed; they addressed their neediness the way that had since infants by seeking out touch, affection and cuddling without first looking at their feelings or motivations. I realized I felt disappointment because those cuddling seemed to be seeking to avoid talking about their feelings behind their desire to snuggle or cuddle. The cuddling seemed to be distracting people from their deeper feelings that was motivating them to cuddle.
This neediness is the crux of the challenge here.
I can see that sometimes giving someone a hug or other form of physical contact can help calm them down so that they can look deeper into what they are feeling. Yet, when people rely on the affections and physical contact with others to soothe them when they are troubled then this tactic of affection or snuggling becomes co-dependent and unhealthy. In so doing we are denying the very purpose of T-Group and other authentic relating exercises.
What are the signs that a person is co-dependent? Science has shown that obsessive compulsive, depressed and anxious people are constantly seeking out these co-dependent type of relationship and this is often defined as a kind of addiction. (http://neurology.about.com/od/NervousSystem/a/The-Brain-In-Love.htm)
If when we are feeling anxious or depressed and the discomfort of this motivates us to seek out affectionate or cuddling then we are not going into the deeper feelings and desires and thus not learning how to be independent; we are only enhancing our co-dependency tendencies. We fail to develop the awarenesses and skills necessary for love-based relationships.
When T-Group or other social functions leads immediately to affection or cuddling it is actually hurting those involved, not helping them. It is ENABLING co-dependency. Often those who are most addicted to co-dependency passionately reject to this assessment, just as most drug addicts tend to reject any idea of addiction. Change is frightening so keeping the status quo is much more acceptable.
This is not to say that an honest and healthy person would never enjoy or even seek out affection with others. Life is a balance of independency, interdependency and co-dependency. It is very difficult to be fully independent of others. Historically some monks or yogis, living in solitude or isolation, work on their skills of self-mastery. These future Buddhas and Christs were working on developing a level of self-mastery that most people have no desire to develop. But some level of self mastery does greatly enhance the quality of the life experience.
T-Group is an opportunity to start working in that direction.
Do we want to turn T-Group or other social opportunities into enabling sessions for our co-dependency or do we want to continue to use the opportunities to create the skills for love-based relationships?
The choice is ours; the power to choose comes with practice. We can practice emotional self care via practicing positive emotions or we can continue our dependency on others to soothe us.
A newborn child does not have a choice as to whether or not they will move their bowels or relieve their bladder; they just soil themselves whenever the urge comes to them. But by the time they are two years old they have been ‘potty’ trained; they have been taught to become aware of the status of their bowels and bladder and how to go to the bathroom and relieve themselves.
This awareness training is called mindfulness, in this case mindfulness of the bowels and bladder. In so doing they have gained some mastery over the human instrument through which they will experience life and that mastery will enhance the quality of their life experience.
As we go through life we gain mastery over many aspects of our body/mind instrument. We first learn to crawl then walk then talk then ride a bike and so on. Each new mastery or skill enhances the quality of our life experience by empowering us to get what we want from life.
Not all people learn the same basic skills in life. Most people are potty trained and learn to walk and talk. Some are taught mental disciplines that enable them to concentrate their mind on a task until it is accomplished. Others who have not been taught that discipline are easily distracted and never seem to accomplish much of anything in their lives.
It is a very rare person who is taught Emotional Self Care; how to practice emotions that are healthy for us and give us a sense of contentment, peace, joy, beauty, empowerment and love in life. Emotional Self Care, like any discipline or habit, takes practice or an effort to develop.
If we are honest with ourselves we will acknowledge that what we want is a life filled with positive experiences like beauty, happiness, joy, love, peace, freedom and the like. Yet, because of circumstances, we develop habits that produce negative experiences like ugliness, misery, sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, bondage, guilt and the like. This is not necessarily our fault, for much of society wants us to develop these unhealthy habits. Others can then use these unhealthy habits to gain power over us. [I will talk more about this elsewhere.]
There is an old saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and I say that so is ugliness, good and evil, heaven and hell. Being ‘in the eye of the beholder’ means that beauty is not something that is intrinsic to an object but is subjective to the individual. Two people may see the same object but one will see it as beautiful and have a beautiful experience while the other will see it as ugly and have an ugly experience. If we were honest with ourselves we would acknowledge that we want the beautiful experiences. Therefore, why not develop a habit of finding the beauty in whatever experience we are having? Of course, this makes sense but how do we do that?
Since beauty and ugliness are NOT inherent in anything, they are entirely subjective, our choices to see and experience something as either beautiful or ugly are conditioned responses and being conditioned responses means that we can RE-condition ourselves to have different reactions to the same stimuli. In other words, we can find a way to look at anything and experience it as beautiful or to find joy or peace or whatever experience we want.
Emotional Self Care is about practicing this IN SPITE OF OUR CONDITIONING.
As I sit and write this I am outside a café with cars driving by and people walking around. The cars and people could be a distraction to my effort to write and I could find that annoying, which is to say I could see them as ‘ugly’ in a sense. Or, I could see them as the elements of life that I am working at describing here and appreciate them for how they have added to my life experience; thus giving me an experience of ‘beauty’.
Consciousness or being awake is recognizing that I ALWAYS have that opportunity to choose the quality of my life experience.
I am not saying this is easy, it is not, at first, but with practice it does become a lot easier, just like riding a bike.
As with being potty trained, it first takes awareness of what I am experiencing. Am I starting to feel irritated by the cars driving by or the people walking by and distracting me? Are my unconscious habits creating tension in my body that would lead me to perceive my experience as negative? Maybe I am slouched in my chair as I write and that slouching creates tension in my back which radiates out to the rest of my body, thus causing me to feel uptight and negative.
My meditations in the morning often consist of first just sitting and feeling what is, letting go of all desires and allowing what is to just be. Then I go deeper and recognize that there is eventually a desire to get up from sitting and do something, go on with the rest of my daily life. In that recognition I also recognize that I want to fill my life with positive experiences including this moment. So, as part of my meditation I start by practicing appreciation of this moment or I practice feeling grateful for the fact that I am alive and all that I have to be grateful for. Appreciation and gratitude FEEL GOOD in my body so I then focus on how good that feels. I have found that in so doing my body relaxes, any tension or dis-ease melts away and the quality of my life experience dramatically improves.
The other day I had a guy get very angry at me. I had not seen him for a couple of months and the first thing he did after acknowledging me was to get riled up with some ideas that he had about me and my ‘agenda’ that he apparently disapproved of. He was right in my face and acting very aggressive. For my part, I remained calm and non reactive, saying nothing and just listening to him as he vented his pain or frustration. He seemed to want to engage me in some sort of ‘battle’, probably most likely a verbal contest of some sort that would justify in his mind ejecting me from the meeting we were about to have. So when he asked for a response I said that I was staying in the moment and I encouraged him to express himself fully. Inwardly I was appreciating that opportunity to practice positive emotions IN SPITE of my conditioned habit of reacting in a defensive manner to this type of confrontation. I could feel the power of the appreciation as it relaxed my body (not completely but considerably) which allowed me to stay present with him looking him in the eye and fully listening to him. Being relatively relaxed my mind did not need to come up with arguments to defend myself or my position or ‘agenda’ as this guy imagined I had.
I was able to do this because I had practiced relaxing using positive perspectives and emotions.
Unfortunately for this guy he was not able to finish venting as others came and he seemed to feel self conscious about his behavior. Nor were we able to resolve his imagined ideas as to my ‘agenda’ in the meeting.
What for me was important was that first I had taken care of myself emotionally and did not personally feel hurt by his aggression or words. I did feel hurt FOR HIM, my compassion motivated me to want to reach out to him to offer him an opportunity to fully vent and to help him clear up any inaccurate assumptions he had about me that might be causing his discomfort. I was not dead to him emotionally nor did I harm myself with my emotional reaction to his hurt.
Even now as I think of that situation I keep reminding myself to practice positive emotions as I think of him and that situation. In the past it has been very easy for me to mull over the situation and to feel undignified or insulted by the situation, thus motivating me to feel some sort of negative emotion as I think about it. In the past I would have thought he was disrespecting me and I too would have been angry. Now, I recognize the most important person who must respect me is ME, and that if I react to something like this with anger or some other negative emotion then I am NOT feeling and showing respect for myself.
Emotional Self Care is a process, not a particular practice. It starts with being aware of my conditioning and how I might be emotionally reacting in THIS moment to whatever life is offering. It takes discipline to focus one’s attention on the Present Moment, the Here and Now. Life, or society conditions us to always be thinking about the past or the future, to concern ourselves with the there and then. Yet life is always experienced in the here and now. When we are thinking about the there and then we are basically only experiencing our thoughts, not what the rest of our body is experiencing.
A second and very important step in this process of Emotional Self Care is to be honest with ourselves. This includes accepting the fact that our emotional states or experiences are entirely a product of our reactions to the thoughts we have about what life is offering. Words cannot hurt us, it is our reactions to words (or the thoughts they produce in us) that can cause us harm. Yet, part of this truth is to accept that we HAVE BEEN trained or conditioned to be reactive to words or various stimuli in society. Emotional Self Care is the process of re-training us to react to those words or stimuli in a way that works for us.
This means we have to own our feelings and not blame others for how their words or behaviors “make us feel”. Everywhere we go we are taught or encouraged to think that others or situations “make us feel” this or that, and if we can only change who we are around or our situation then we can feel the way we want to feel. This belief enables others to maintain control of us and keeps us trapped in cycles of emotional abuse where we have fear or get angry, upset, offended or some other painful emotional reaction and then we blame others or our situation for that pain. Thus we are saying to ourselves that others or the situation have the power to end our emotional pain. This dishonestly traps us in the painful feeling. Owning our feelings starts the process of accepting the fact that we CAN do something about our painful emotional states.
In my experience, pain is more intensely experienced in a tense body. Because of this, for thousands of years people have been taught to take deep, whole breaths when we feel tension arising in our body from our emotional reactions. By consciously taking deep, whole breaths we soften some of our attention (at tension) on the activity in our brains and expand our awareness into our bodies. This softening of attention helps us relax thus lessening our negative experience.
And, finally, practicing positive emotions IN SPITE OF OUR HABITUAL REACTIONS continues this process of relaxing at the level of our mind or nerves. Again, for thousands of years people have been encouraged to ‘love one another’ or even to ‘love your enemies’ or ‘don’t worry, be happy’ or to practice gratitude for what life is offering. All of these are encouragements to practice positive emotions. The more we practice positive emotions the more relaxed we will be and better able to flow with what life offers.
In the example I used above where the guy was expressing considerable anger at me, I used appreciation and gratitude to relax myself. I was appreciative of the fact that he had found the courage to express himself about the obviously painful feelings he was having. And I was grateful for the opportunity to practice Emotional Self Care in a situation where I habitually would not be doing so.
I can always find some reason or justification for some positive emotion. Of course, it is not easy in the beginning for we usually are so attentive to situation that we are not being attentive to how we are reacting emotionally to that situation. In primitive times or cultures being attentive to the situation was demanded, for if we were not then we might be physically attacked and possibly killed. I still encourage people to be mindful of the situation just in case it could become dangerous, but most of the time our being relaxed and calm alleviates the situation to some degree.
They say that a dog can detect if you are afraid of them, and if so they will more likely attack you. In my experience, that is true of people and all animals too. If we are reacting to them with fear or any form of tension then those people or animals are more likely to attack us. On the other hand, if we are reacting to them with compassion and caring for THEM then they will more likely relax their tension and aggression, thus alleviating the tension of the situation.
Also, if we are practicing Emotional Self Care we are modeling a healthy behavior for others who can and do recognize the healthy practice and that inspires them to want to develop the same healthy habits. This creates cycles of moving toward more peaceful, joyous, healthy interactions in society.
Other Softening Emotions
Of course, in the moment of being challenged emotionally we may not remember to breathe deeply or to be in the present moment or to practice positive emotions. When we become aware of our reactions that may have caused us discomfort or pain we first want to forgive ourselves. I like to laugh at myself and my silly reactions. This attitude and behavior releases the tension in my body allowing me to relax and feeling good again.
Sadness is often considered a negative or painful emotion, one that we don’t want to experience. In my experience, we can only feel sad because we care. Caring is an aspect of love, a very positive emotions and feeling. Thus, the feeling or emotion behind sadness really is love, and if we can be aware of that deeper feeling of caring and love then sadness can be a very powerful motivator to helping others with our compassion. It also feels really good.
I define compassion as a willingness to suffer with other. I get that definition from the etymological root of the word compassion; com is Latin for ‘with’ and passion is Latin meaning ‘to suffer’. Any suffering becomes a motivator to working to alleviate that suffering, assuming we can envision how to do that.
I am motivated out of compassion for others who are suffering from emotional pain to write this topic. I WANT TO hurt with them. I want to care for others because I am aware that caring is an aspect of love and love is what I want to fill my life with. And since I have found a way to alleviate most emotional pain, I want to share how I do that with others.
This is a rich process and it fills my life with a wealth that is unsurpassable by any other means that I am aware of.
Practicing all this is the most challenging part of the process. I often go to be around people or situations where I can practice Emotional Self Care. Often the most challenging people or situations are the most rewarding. Of course, if I am not up to the challenge then those people or situations can do damage to my confidence in my ability to deal with situations. Therefore, I encourage people to start out with less challenging people or situations.
I started by going to listen to lectures or talks by people of various perspectives, perspectives that were not similar to my own. At first I would only listen to the words and watch my habitual reactions to them, which often means I was resisting the ideas they were offering, and this habitual resistance, being negative, was painful or uncomfortable.
The practice got a lot more challenging when I started to openly question or challenge the words or ideas I was hearing. But still I practiced listening and questioning with compassion, often taking into consideration the ability of others to hear or deal with the questions or challenge.
When you put something out, like asking questions or confronting or challenging someone else’s perspective, you are asking for feedback that often comes in the form of criticism, judgment and possibly rejection. Naturally rejection hurts as it is cutting off a part of us, ourselves being the whole of humanity or life. But the reality is that rejection is a natural part of life and we sooner or later learn to accept that there will always be those who feel a need to reject and cut others off from them. If we care about ourselves we will come to peace with this process.
We are all responsible for taking care of ourselves. No matter how much another may love and care for us, if we do not take care of ourselves then we will not feel or be cared for and harm is inevitable. Life offers us many challenges and if we do not make a habit of caring for ourselves emotionally then we will eventually get ‘down’ as we drain our energy with our negative or painful reactions to what life is offering. It makes sense to practice Emotional Self Care.
Again, I want to acknowledge that there will be those who rebel against the idea of emotional self care. Some will do so because they see how powerful it could be for anyone who practices it and if it is empowering for the individual then it is disempowering to those who want to control or manipulate others. Since taking responsibility for your behavior and changing your habits takes effort, the lazy person will resist and will continue to abuse themselves and blame others for the consequences of that abuse. The only intelligent thing a conscious person can do is to practice loving them and by feeling compassion for them.
The freedom, peace, joy and love that come from Emotional Self Care can transform the quality of our lives, our relationships and our society. The more we practice Emotional Self Care the more we are modeling it for others thus encouraging a society that is open, honest and caring about one another.
The human being is a limited being, it has boundaries. It cannot go indefinitely without rest, water, food, shelter and the like. There are also many boundaries that we must have in order to have any quality of life.
Sometimes our relationships with others challenge these boundaries and that can be good, for it helps us see what our real boundaries are. But sometimes, probably more often than not, those relationships challenge our boundaries and push us beyond what is healthy for us. This not only hurts us but it hurts all the others around us, for we are being an example of someone who does not care about our own health enough to stand up for our boundaries.
It takes courage to be honest. We first have to be honest with ourselves before we can be honest with others.
Courage is the manifestation of love. We cannot really love another if we do not first love ourselves. If we are feeling that respect, caring, and consideration that is love then it is easier to find that courage to be honest with ourselves and others. But if we lose touch with that self respect our courage will wane and our health and relationships will suffer.
Sometimes we do not want to even think about standing up for ourselves, even standing up against our own desires that take us beyond our healthy boundaries. Getting back in touch with our self respect helps us find the courage we need to be both honest with ourselves and with others.
I have been challenged to be honest with myself many times in my life. It is probably more accurate to say that I am always being challenged to be honest with first myself and then with others. Whenever I did not respect my boundaries it would lead to an unhealthy life. That might start with unhealthy relationships but eventually it would manifest into an unhealthy mind and body.
That unhealthy mind is the first symptom that some place I am not respecting my boundaries. I would get frustrated or angry or depressed; all symptoms that I was not being honest with myself and probably not being honest with others. Eventually these unhealthy emotions manifest into the body as disease of some sort.
Often we resist being honest with others about our boundaries for fear of their reaction to what we say. They might get angry or refuse even to listen to us tell them about your boundaries. Eventually we will have to confront out fears and deal with this lack of honesty or our relationships and our personal health will suffer.
We also often forget that we are here to inspire one another. When we challenge ourselves to be honest with both ourselves and others, even if that causes temporary disorder in our lives, we are demonstrating to those others (and ourselves) what love is and what a healthy relationship both with ourselves and others looks like. This can be the greatest gift we can give others, even if it starts out in conflict by our insistence on speaking our truth and respecting our boundaries.
In order to be a inspiring light to others we have to develop the willingness or courage to be honest with others about our boundaries that will keep us healthy of body and mind. This takes first being aware and FEELING how much we love our healthy life.
After each mass killing either here or abroad we hear a lot of people talking about how this could have been adverted, how we could have prevented this type of tragedies. Or they start to ask questions on what we can do to prevent these types of tragedies.
What people completely fail to look at is that the world has changed radically and we are only going to see more and more of these types of tragedies. No amount of legislation will overcome the world wide trend of more people crowding into a small planet. Even with sufficient resources for all these people, which we do not have, there will always be pressure with the crowds and some people will crack under that pressure. It is a function of physics and biology that cannot be denied.
Some people will claim we could outlaw the guns used in such killings, but they fail to recognize that guns are outlawed in China and they have these mass killings with knives. China is more of police state then the U.S. and they cannot stop these kinds of tragedies.
Can we avoid these tragedies by avoiding the pressure cookers of big cities? Santa Barbara, CA and Newtown, CT are not consider to be pressure cookers like like LA or NY so people can reasonably think that these would be the last places one would expect these types of tragedies to occur. But they did occur there and they will start to occur at many more such places in the future.
So what is an intelligent person to do?
The first and foremost thing to remember is that we have to take care of ourselves first, which means that we have to remain calm and centered so that we can have the clarity of mind that will enable us to see the best course of action. This calm or blessed state as Jesus called it is not something one ‘chooses’ in the moment but one that comes with practice. Mindfulness and meditation is just such a practice.
Disaster or tragedy may befall any of us in this modern world but those who can remain calm and collected have a better chance of survival than those prone to reacting emotionally to dramatic events. This capacity to remain calm and collected does not come easy; you cannot take a pill for it. Practice is the only way we know of today to acquire the skill necessary to manage OURSELVES when crisis comes.
Mindfulness and meditation is the practice of developing mastery over our bodies and our minds that so that we can be the master over ourselves instead of external situations or people controlling or manipulating us.
It is also worth noting that those who perpetuate these types of tragedies are NOT meditators, so that teaching mindfulness and meditation to everyone would help diminish the number and severity of such crimes. We can each do our part by first “removing the log from our own eye” and learning how to use mindfulness and meditation in our own lives. Then we can help others by sharing what we have found and demonstrating the advantages we have found from such self-mastery.
“(CNN) – He was a preacher best known for his virulent anti-gay rhetoric, the force behind placards that read “God Hates Fags.” He taught that natural disasters and man-made horrors like the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting were God’s punishment for acceptance of homosexuality.”
Fred Phelps was a minister of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas who earned the title as the “Most Hated Man in America” because of his rhetoric, because of his words. Fred never hurt anyone, he just shows that people have a habit of hurting themselves and he was taking advantage of that.
To people who are awake and recognize that words cannot hurt them or anyone else, they experience no harm from Fred Phelps, but they probably felt sadness for him and his followers because they could see how they harmed themselves with their animosity toward gay people.
What irks me about this article is that it promotes or encourages emotional abuse by insinuating that Fred Phelps and his gang were hurting people. As long as people continue to believe that words can hurt them then tyrants like Fred Phelps will be able to control those people’s emotional states and thus control and manipulate them. This is the encouraging the slavery of people through the use of their fear of words and how they might be used to harm them.
This attitude is encouraged by the ruling classes because they want to be able to intimidate, control, and manipulate people into obeying them. Those who are gullible enough to buy into this lie are only participating in their own emotional abuse.
One can never know unconditional love as long as they lie to themselves about the source of their emotional states. The truth will set you free to unconditionally love all that life has to offer, but you have to be open to it.
This article states, “The name of Washington DC’s football team, the Redskins, is under fire. “Redskins” is an offensive term and therefore inappropriate for the team representing our nation’s capital. That’s kind of obvious, right?”
NO! The word “Redskins” is NOT offensive. No word is offensive. But stupid, unconscious people might react to this or that word in such a way as to ‘offend’ or abuse themselves. This is EXACTLY what the ruling classes want people to do. The ruling classes want people to hurt around words because they use words and the hurt that people create for themselves to control and manipulate those unconscious people.
If you support slavery then you want to encourage people to think that words can harm them, that words are offensive. Intelligent and loving people do not encourage this abuse, they confront those who do encourage slavery and abuse.
People have been trained since the beginning of time to abuse themselves around words that the those who know can use that abuse to their own advantage. How else can the slave owners get the slaves to word without needing to revert to the violence of the whip? It is words they use to ‘whip’ the slaves into shape.
once we understand that it is OUR REACTIONS to words that causes us harm, our CHOOSING to take offense at something, then we can take commend of ourselves, learn to relax and not react. Then, and only then, will be no longer need to fear other people, relationships and communications of any sort.
After reading this article on Huffington Post titled The Ten Spiritual Transmitted Disease I started to wonder how one can get a spiritual check up.
I wish there were a way to test myself (or others) for their spiritual growth or evolution. When I heard of the ‘stress testing’ that the banks had to go through in the recent financial crisis I wondered if there was any type of ‘stress test’ that people could go through.
For me, spiritual evolution is reflected in one’s ability to appreciate, enjoy and love what life offers. One of the greatest challenges people seem to have is their fear of judgment or criticism, which is why I like the idea of a panel or group of people testing or judging me to give me a stress test. I would like that because I am always alert to the possibility that I am deceiving myself in some way. I watch for this because I have seen so many other so called spiritual people who have ended up deceiving themselves in some way or another.
But then again I could be deceiving myself in my assumption that being judged by people is a good stress test of one’s spiritual evolution. I might like that because I have mastered the skill of not reacting to people’s words so the judgments of people would not harm me, but I might be very challenged if a tornado came into town and swept away my home, something I have never experienced. I have had things stolen from me and I felt I did pretty good at keeping the light when my motor home was broken into and my computer was stolen, or when my bike, which I truly loved, was stolen a month later. But what if I lost everything and could not replace anything because I lost everything, including my ‘nest egg’ of reserve money.
So I wonder what others think would be a good way to examine oneself or another to test their level of consciousness. I recognize that the nondualist will challenge the language here wondering ‘who’ it is that is being challenged, but I recognize they do this because they just do not ‘get it’ when it comes to playing with the illusion of duality, which is what this exercise is all about.
I saw an interview today on CNN’s website where Marc Lamont Hill were saying that we should allow a discussion of the “N-word”. I find that attitude one of the most open minded I have heard in a long time. Let me explain why.
I have realized that words do not hurt people; it is people’s reactions to words that cause them harm. We, as citizens of our society, have been programmed to be reactive to words in such a way that causes us harm. Once we become aware of this we can take responsibility for OUR behavior (our reaction) and re-train ourselves to not react with such hurtful behavior.
Yet, as long as we keep lying to ourselves (and one another) that it was the word that hurt us and it was the person who said the word who is responsible for our suffering, we will stay trapped in a cycle of abuse.
Words like nigger, faggot, failure, dike, sinner and others still have the power to move people emotionally in a way that they would rather not be moved. The CONSCIOUS person recognizes this and takes responsibility for their part in this and learns to relax and stop reacting.
But what is the advantage of keeping people ignorant of the truth that will set them free of being offended by words? Well, one is if you were an owner of slaves in the US south 200 years ago you would want your slaves to be moved emotionally by words so that you could use that to control their behavior. It is easier to get them to hurt themselves with words then to have to hit them with a whip. Or if you were a racist today would you not want to be able to get someone of a different race to HURT THEMSELVES when you used certain words? Or what about the parent that wants to intimidate their child with words like “bad”; without the child’s fear of that word you would lose some control over them.
These are only a few of the many examples of benefits of keeping intimidated by words. What I am saying here is that there are many advantages to some people in society to keep people hurting when stimulated by words.
Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount was all about Blessedness. One of the things he said was, “Blessed be those who do not take offense at me.” Yet, many religious people of his time did take offense at him, which is why they killed him. Jesus also said, “Take cheer, for I have overcome the world” which indicates to me that he was showing that you could not offend Jesus with your words (or actions). And finally, he said, “I have come to bear witness to the truth.” To me, this means that he was bearing witness to the fact that religious people have been conditioned to abuse themselves emotionally when stimulated by words (as a means of maintaining control of them). Yet, if you followed Jesus’ way (not the Christian way) you would overcome the world and its ability to push your buttons and hence control or manipulate you emotionally just using words.
So it is my opinion and experience that by bring this discussion out into the open and talking about it, and putting responsibility where it is due, we can show people that it is possible to get free from ever being hurt by words again.
A lot of the pain some kids are experiencing today from ‘bullying’ is a product of their conditioned reactions to words. If we teach children the old school yard rhyme, “Stick and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me,” we could end a lot of the bullying that now happens.
Of course, if we do this, those who benefit from people’s habitual emotional self-abusive behaviors will be up in arms about it, just like they were when Jesus was teaching this 2,000 years ago.
