It deeply saddens me to see people who have a habit of harming himself or herself or limiting the quality of their life experience.  This is only a product of habitual thoughts and not something we need to stay trapped in for the rest of our lives.

Somewhere along the way, I recognized that I could change my behavior or habitual reactions to what life was offering me.  For instance, I noticed that there were certain words or combination of words that if somebody said I had a habitual reaction of getting upset, offended or angry.  At first, it was hard for me to acknowledge it was MY habitual mental/emotional reaction causing the negative inner experience and that it was not the fault of the person who spoke the words.  Nevertheless, when I finally accepted that fact and took responsibility for my reactions, I started to find peace.  With the awareness and skill that gave me peace, I was then able to choose positive reactions to the same stimuli or words so that I could have a positive experience.

For instance, let us say that a child has drilled into them that when his parents, family or teachers said the word “bad,” as in “you were a bad boy” they were supposed to feel, well, bad.  At first, that bad feeling might have come from spanking, which causes physical pain and that pain became associated in the mind/brain with the word “bad”.  Therefore, from then on when somebody tells them they are being a “bad” person, they have a habit of reacting by contracting, fearfully anticipating pain.  The reaction of contraction itself was painful, or at least an uncomfortable experience.  Therefore, we have a negative emotional reaction to the word “bad”; people can observe that and use the habitual reaction to control behavior.  Hence, perfect programming…people can be conditioned to be controlled by mere words.

When I came to realization of this, I also realized that I could RE-program myself to have different reactions to those same words or stimuli.  Since I had realized that what I really wanted was to experience positive things like happiness, joy, love, peace and freedom, I could reprogram myself to respond to what people said to me in a way that enabled me to have those positive experiences.

I also have realized that human relationships make up the vast majority of experiences and relationships are primarily about communications with other people.  Just as my parents had communicated to me the “meaning” or the intended response of the word “bad,” so, too, there were an almost infinite number of words or behaviors that I was supposed to respond to in the usually prescribed manner.  But a lot of these usually prescribed reactions produced for me negative experience that I did not want to have.  So I developed a practice of reprogramming myself to have the type of reactions I wanted to have and not the type of reactions that others expected from me.

I call this practice Meditation in Conversation. Meditation is the practice of first learning to relax and not react around various stimuli, including thoughts. Second, meditation is the practice of positive response to those same stimuli, including thoughts. So Meditation in Conversation is the practice of learning to relax and not react around the stimuli of words or in conversation and second, it is the practice of responding with positive emotional experiences.

Meditation is a state of focused relaxation. Meditation in Conversation is the intentional effort to relax around the stimulation of words. When I am relaxed I find that I no longer feet a ‘need’ to react to what was being said. I become more tolerant and can allow people to express themselves even if it was only venting their frustrations.

Meditation in Conversation is developing the skill of respecting and loving our selves first; learning how NOT to abuse our selves when someone says something to us. Meditation in Conversation is about developing the skills of honesty and intimacy. Honesty only happens if we are not afraid of OUR response to what people say to us. When we no longer fear ourselves and our reactions to what people say to us, then we will have the courage to be honest both with ourselves and with those around us.

The skills that the practice of Meditation in Conversation gives me enable me to choose the quality of my life experience instead of being a victim of whatever was said or whatever life is offering me. I have become empowered to have the quality of life that I have always wanted. I have all the happiness, joy, love, peace and freedom that I want, regardless of and sometimes in spite of what life is offering me.

I developed this aphorism for myself to remind me of the true power that I always have: words cannot hurt me, only my reactions to words can do me harm. With this reminder I took my power back from all those who would either intentionally or unintentionally stimulate my habit of abusing myself emotionally around words.

I also developed a simple method to remind myself of how to get back to a place of inner peace and clarity how to go further, how to create a positive experience whenever my programmed habits caused a negative reaction to what life was offering. This method I call the Four S’s, which are Simplicity, Softness, Smile and Stillness.

Simplify: Start by reminding yourself of the simple truth of the aphorism that nothing anyone says can harm you, only your reactions can do you harm. Remember to be in the simple truth of the Present Moment and that thoughts of past and future are not real, they are only memories and imagination. Simplify your intention by recognizing that before you can be of service to other you must first be of service to yourself; before you can love another you must be able to love yourself—Self Love First. I have learned that if I am uptight, I am not being loving to myself so I cannot love another or be of service to them. NOW is the time to relax and let go, not tomorrow or when you have the time to meditate. NOW is all you will ever have so start NOW to let go.

Soften: Become aware of the tension in your body, mind and heart. To soften the body take deep, whole breaths and allow yourself to relax with each out breath, feeling the tension flow out of your body with the breath. Become aware of the tension in your face, head, neck, shoulders, back, arms, stomach, legs and so forth. With each out breath feel the body relaxing and letting go. To soften the mind, recognize that you really cannot KNOW anything and that whenever you know something you are creating hardness in your mind which manifests in the body. To soften the heart recognize that nothing that ever has happened or could happen on this puny speck of dust in the universe that we call Earth could ever be important; that all is meaningless and all importance is vanity and let it go. In this process you feel the softening of your entire body, mind and heart.

Smile: When you smile you are shining your light. Light enables you to see clearly what is really going on. Research has shown that smiling has multiple benefits: it relieves stress, boosts your immune system, changes your mood and helps you stay positive. Smiling is the practice of appreciation which leads to joy and eventually to love. We are naturally drawn to the experience of lightheartedness or just lightening up. Use the word Smile to remind yourself of this so that you can go back to this enlightened state of being.

Whatever is happening in this moment is your moment; this is your life so you might as well enjoy it. The more you can smile on your life’s moments, the more your life is filled with the light of appreciations, joy and love.

Our deepest motive in life is to appreciate, enjoy and love life. Awareness is to remember that nothing is more important than the quality and richness of joy and love. If we remember this, then we will remember to enjoy what life is offering us. Nothing is more important than the sense of appreciation, joy and love.
I have coined a term for this sense of appreciation. I call it “Yesness”. We want to experience the light so we lighten up, we become light hearted. To lighten up is to feel a sense of YESness about life and what we are experiencing. To smile is to recognize where we are habitually saying no, to release that negativity and say YES. When we are up tight, thinking and saying NO becomes a habit. By relaxing, thinking and feeling Yes, we begin to find the quality of life that we are looking for.

Stillness: There is a time for motion or effort and there is a time for stillness or effortlessness. No effort, no intentions, no will, no plans, no goals, just relaxing and being. With stillness comes clarity that allows us to perceive the truth that will set us free from all negativity. With stillness we can see through the illusions that create fear and negativity. It is in the peace and stillness that comes after letting go that gives us the clarity to perceive the perfect truth that will set us perfectly free. With stillness we can see the light of joy that will guide us on our next step in our life. When joy is your guiding light, then joy will always be your companion.

Stillness and rest is necessary for the human instrument to live. Without a balance of motion and stillness the quality of life will be lost.

Stillness produces clarity that in turn enables us to see the truth that sets us free to enjoy and love all that life has to offer. Stillness is the peace that enables us to relax into appreciation, joy and love.

Confidence comes in stillness. As you cultivate the skill of relaxing and not reacting to the stimuli that life is offering you gain confidence in your ability to deal with what life is offering. Stillness will enable you to not beat yourself up emotionally with a strong reaction around life’s challenges.

The skills that Meditation in Conservation gives you will enable you to be fully with ALL that life is offering and to be a full participant in society. Imagine being in a relationship where the other comes home after a hard day at work where they have been challenged by their boss and the traffic coming home was worse than usual. The first thing they do when they get into the house is to ‘vent’ from their day and start bitching or just complaining about whatever it is that first sets them off. Usually you would have gotten defensive or had some other negative reaction to their unhealthy or negative venting. But now, with the skills you have developed from Meditation in Conversation you catch yourself in your own reactions and you relax, let go, smile and just be still. You allow the venting because you can see that it can do you no harm and that the other needs to release all the pent up tension they have developed throughout the day. You might even encourage them to vent. And, after they have fully vented, you smile and give them an encouraging hug, telling them you love them.

The cycle has been broken. No longer are you reactive to what people say to you. Now you have the capacity to let go of your negative reactions and just allow what needs to be. Then you can come forth in life and offer your light of appreciation, joy and love. Life has become much more fulfilled and you are at peace with a beautiful and perfect world.

I would suggest that you open yourself up to ANY opportunity to practice this Meditation in Conversation. That would mean with family, friends, loved one, but also with those with whom you disagree or have hard feelings toward. I would go to extremist organizations and listen to their ranting and raving while practicing meditating and watching my responses. My next step was to go to meetings where I could engage with others and watch my reactions to their reactions of me (judgments, criticism and even rejection).

I recognized that we first have to get to equanimity for the clarity that it offers, and then our natural compassion for others will come out. The practice of Meditation in Conversation brings me to a place of inner peace and equanimity that I was looking for. I am sure that it will do the same for you.